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disbelief and hope

well. i cannot believe I published that.
i hope people can come this afternoon. i know eve and gen (or maybe just gen?) have tom. but no-one has confirmed. anyways, i'll be there.

all my blood and guts

Dear Diary

Well, welcome to planet Katherine. It’s a little way outta orbit, and is generally a little bit wobbly. But then, we’re all a little unbalanced in our own way, aren’t we?

I have a dilemma. I’ve been reading all these uber-cool blogs, only all of a sudden, they’ve gotten all depressing. I mean, really depressing. Like one? She’s talking to some imaginary, invisible person who she seems to despise lots and lots and lots, but at the same time, can’t seem to let go off. As totally awesome as this person is, don’t you think they need to let go and see how lucky they are to have all these amazing friends and people around them?

And another has barely blogged at all in ages. It’s her own choice, but I’m starting to wonder whats going on. I miss hearing her voice on there.

Another, I’ve gotten to know better and better through her blog than I have in real life. I already knew she was fantastic – generous, kind, funny and talented, but all of a sudden, she’s taken on a whole other dimension.

Some are witty, some are wistful, some have shown me the most amazing things through regular video updates. Some make me laugh, one made me cry and they all make me go, ‘That’s my…’ =)

If only they all could feel what I feel when I miss them, or when I hear from them, or when I read their blog.

The worst thing is the awkward silences. When I met them for the first time after I left, it was like no-one knew what to say. Just that they missed me. And how was I? Well, how would you be? And with empty words that hurt more with what is unsaid than what is, what do you expect?

I know they don’t mean it. I know they care. And I know they can’t help it. But none of that helps.

I wish they wouldn’t wish that I’d come back to PLC. Because I can’t move backwards. It only hurts when they say that.

At the same time, I’m so glad we’re keeping in contact, or, trying too. I’m so glad it hasn’t just fallen apart, and I’m so glad that I can read their blogs and their emails, and, without looking at the sender, know who wrote those words.

I’m so proud of some kicking the fb bucket, or trying to focus, or setting out to achieve their goals. I’m so proud that they could call me their friend.

I’ve met some amazing people at MLC, too. I owe my sanity, or what’s left of it, too them. Then again, they could be to blame for the loss of a great deal of it. To the nerdfighters at MLC, I say thank-you for opening your arms without question to me, and for accepting me 1001% for who I really am.

I love talking to them everyday, reading their blogs at night and skypie-ing in RE. I love FTL bookmarks and Mario-mushroom cakes and DFTBA records.

I’m so lucky to know so many great people. I’m so proud to be any of their friends. I’m so proud to be one of their friends.

I hope that one day, they can say the same. I hope I never let them down. I’m sorry I already have. And I’m sorry I can only put into words on a page what I could never say.

I don’t know if I’ll ever publish this.

dear steph plus everyone at plc

steph: in reply to...KATHERINE STAPLETON I WAS SO CLOSE TO WHIPPING YOUR ASS AND KICKING YOUR BUTT!!! THERE WAS ABOUT 500 POINTS BETWEEN US IN THAT FIRST LASER TAG GAME!!! STOP BEING SO FULL OF YOURSELF!

well, i'd give you a biting and sarcastic comment back but its not even worth it. when you win every game you play straight without fail by over 750 points, then you can tell me to stop being full of myself. in the meantime, me and my fantastically impressive ego are going to go and kick ass. like you TRIED to. in the FIRST game. phhhhhhhht.

to plc guys: see you (who's coming?) thursday arvo? Gen, I've got your books and you've got my dvds. we all really need to organise something soon, together, with alana. I'll drag her. *ALANA - IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THEN HINT HINT*

anyway, can you guys check the gallery page and see if anyone has the original of that photo of a photo? the one from jo's party?
and and and...
damn. forgot.

NO! WAIT! next installment of skinny genes and the b word coming soon (yes, i heard that communal groan).

so close....

damn, i almost got the first post out about hung parliament, but then my freakin computer crashed. DAMN YOU EVE.

anyways, a hung parliment, with the power now in the hands of four independants + the greens (who won melbourne from labor. whoot!) well, not whoot that they won it from labor, but whoot that they won it.

anyways, it looks like its going to be close. i think it'll end up being about rural australia and farmers rights and tax, which means that unfortunatly *chuckle* its not looking good for the abbott family. did you see his press conference with his daughters and wife with him this morning? I don't think they (his daughters, anyway) could have looked more embarrassed to be up there.

anyways, if he becomes PM, then i'll have to do a knight&day (funny movie, all) and shoot myself them him. urgh.
but really, i don't think either of them are that impressive - its just so close because neither of them are good enough.
well, anyways, back to my addiction to the election tracker, which tragically seems like its going to last another week to ten days, from the punters.

*sigh*
fingers crossed, everybody!

election, 21st 08

holy shizamolies.
today is election day (birthday shoutouts to annie ((not heasman)) and ari! =D i had a great day and so did everyone else and happy 15th/14th birthdays and i WHOOPPED YOUR ASSES, ALL =P)
and im watching election tracker.

which i MUST TURN OFF.
watching lib/np creep up is killing me.

TONY ABBOT MUST NOT BE PM. *readies physic knives*
grrrrargh.
and i so want maxine mckew as a debating coach. aside from the fact shes a politician, she seems pretty cool.
election thoughts, anyone?

OMfreakinG

I just realised that almost everyone has finished the letter challenge.


crap.

lucky 13, AVPS style

Those of you who know me quite well will know that thirteen is a fairly special number for me. which is why I'm skipping number twelve on the revised letter list, and going straight to thirteen.

Of course, being a potential evil overlord, i must have an ulterior motive, which is this:
I don't believe Australia has a Prime Minister, and even if we did, I wouldn't have the faintest interest in writing to them, so I'm not going to waste my time (that's a change) and yours (holy crap! mark the date!) writing a BS filled fake letter.

so. number 13 - An animal (eg Winky, Buckbeak, Dobby)

deardobby
firstly, i would like to clarify that you are not Eve's dog, and that I think calling you an animal is mean, especially as you won the best death scene award. 
your death was pretty much the only thing i cried at thing i cried at in the whole series. siriusly. 
anyways, i think the fact that you hooked up with Narcissa Malfoy (who knew she'd be into beastuality?) and Draco was born as a result is pretty cool. 

nice work - i think you sufficiently out choreographed Loo-Shush of the Pahntine. 
lots of love (but not in that way)
Kath. =D 

skinny genes and the b word part 1

are both two really, terrifying topics to cover. both for me, and, well, for you (well, i hope for you - that makes me feel better about writing it..((now i feel really bad...)) )

following my previous post (read: rant) on body and social image, i've got another whammy coming up. only this one is more scientific. (sort of).
i was reading in the sunday paper the other day in the life section (yeah, i know, i suck) when i found two articles that really struck me. the first was called skinny genes, and it was about the genetics of diets. how some people seem to be able to eat whatever they want and never put on weight, excercise regardless (*COOOOUGH deb COOOOOOOOUGH), whereas others seem to struggle with maintaining a health body weight. no matter the diets attemped or the excerise fad followed, nothing may seem to work.

I’m in the latter group, without a question. Only regular exercise and a (fairly) healthy diet keep pathetic self-control and chocolate from overwhelming me. I don’t bother with dieting – I’ve done nothing but salads for lunch for three weeks on end, with zip all as a result.

I’m happy with my body. I can easily play a full soccer game; run when I need too and canoe/hike/swim/backpack almost indefinitely. I’ve found that health eating and exercise keep me where I’m happy to be, which is why I’ve never understood diets.

Most of them are con jobs, or rely on starvation. Almost all are quick fixes and have nothing to do with nutrition or real health. Some of them, such as the widely published Lemon Detox Diet even have side effects such as peeling, scaly skin and hair loss, not dissimilar to symptoms that can be brought on by chemo.

And this is supposed to be desirable?

I’ve been thinking hard (scary, I know) and have finally come to a blinding obvious conclusion (Thank-you for that astounding observation, Watson,). The reason that there are so many dangerous diets on the market is because there is a market. This market is women, and advertising cruelly targets their self esteem and body image, turning a good day into an im-so-ugly-and-fat-i-should-be-dead day. I think that the reason there is a market for these ads is the enormous social pressure placed on women to be something attractive to men. I googled female clothing ads (something along those lines),  and the first actual CLOTHING one i found was these.

 Both ads show ridiculously thin models with big boobs, hips and tiny waists. In both cases the women are viewed as sexual objects, there only for the man, and it is suggested that their only value is in their body.  

I thought that both of the women in these images represented as an urealistic 'ideal' woman, so I emailed a couple of friends with a few questions. (for the record, they were guys). I asked them what they though of women, and showed them the pictures. Initial reactions were along the lines of;

'are they even real?'

'meh, too thin' 

'christ she's bony...(that would be uncomfortable)'

I asked them if they'd be interested in dating these women. 

'They look boring and...kinda pathetic.' was the gist of the general response. 

So what do you look for in a girl?

'Humor, nice, interesting, fun,'

'Not one of those skimpy, barbiefied squealy twats,' 

'Someone natural, like, comfortable in themselves. Confident, nice.'

'Not throwing herself at me' (don't flatter yourself, mate)

All of which gives me just a little more hope for the future of the world. 

To be continued in skinny genes (complete) and the b word, part 2

girls and their bodies and boys and how they see them. please read. =) (hopefully the next will be more interesting)

glossy haired frankenstein

teenage girls these days are like glossy haired Frankensteins.
i have a problem with the way that modern society feels the need to completely morph who people are. i don't think the blame can be given to one person or entity - no, its far too big a problem for that.

when a fifteen year old girl hates herself for who she is, then there is something seriously freaking wrong.
so many adolescents hate their bodies, their eyes, their skin, their hair.
they worry about the photos taken of them (OMG, i look so fat!), and what they wear (and trust me, honey, not even the supre models look good in those rags) and who they're seen with.
every minute of everyday, they check myspace, facebook, bebo to see whos looking at them. they worry about what people think of them, and the fret that their own taste in clothes, music, books and movies isn't good enough.

isn't that disturbing?

magazines like dolly, frankie, cleo...they tell us what we should be. not people, but shiny, pristine cookie-cutter photocopies of the celeb of the day. like glossy, garnier haired, bulmic frankesteins who are one big emotional mess of bits and pieces torn from everything around them that they feel they have to be.

i was at the burwood the other day, and i heard someone i would call a friend talking to a guy. he said he liked the Jupiter disk of Stadium Arcadium, by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. She said she likes them too. I know for a cold hard fact that she hates them. with a passion.

I see girls trying to look like celebrities, or wearing clothes that are a far cry from anything they'd actually like, just because thats the fashion. Almost everyone looks exactly the same, and the saddest thing is that they think they're original. All because they saw it on a celebrity, 'read' it in a magazine or saw it on TV. What gives?

I think its so awful how so many girls feel inadequet because they don't fit the mold.
What i don't get is why they feel they cant pick up and be themselves, by picking up the mold, taking a nice good look at it, then throwing it down the stairs, taking a jackhammer to it, youtubing its destruction and then smoking it for inspiration (kids, don't do drugs or cigarettes. NOT GOOD)

i dare you to defy society's expectations and be whoever the hell you want to be. tell the world and that great, almighty, ambiguious They and tell them where to stick it. its idiotic that the media has such a large influence on pop culture and the way impressionable young adults see the world.

be skinny, be curvy, be tall, be short. be tan, be freckly, be pasty, be swarthy. be big, be small, be blond, be bruntette, be black haired, be ranga. be black, anglo, asian, european...be YOURSELF

society has no right to judge you when you don't be who they tell you. its stupid that stores like supre or magazines like dolly think that they have any right to tell you who to be, and its stupider still that so many girls feel 'uncool' or like a loser if they don't want to be told.

im smart, blonde, average height, average weight. I'm pasty, with freackles and a bad back and knees. i've got asthma and allergies, and i love vintage and jay jays. im a maths camp nerd and i love doctor who. i like MOM and Alex day and red hot chili peppers. a lot of people don't like me.

and you know what?
i don't care, because im HAPPY with who i am.


are you?

smile - new page

smile

i was browsing the internet the other day, and i found this. it really made me smile, no matter how much that day sucked.

btw, i've added a page. the way its set up, im pretty sure you wont receive notification when i add stuff,  so check back occasionally. its just going to be pictures and things - some that i've put in other posts, some i just want up here to share, or whatever.
keep checking!
=DK

decision 2010

who cares?
i mean, really, their policies are virtually identical, and they both suck.
i mean, we vote to keep the worst party out, don't we? because no-one is really working for australia. i mean, they're spending millions of dollars per day to just get elected. i think this whole party thing doesn't really work - we need to elect the people in the government, no matter their party, and elect per office.
if they spent only half the money they spent on advertising or military on aide or infrastructure, the world would be a much better place.
but then again, if some of that military budget is going towards the assassination of tony abbott, then who knows? it might just be worth it.
K

florence and the machine

it so annoys me, music now. the fact that some of the greatest symphonic music in the world is no longer written - its in the past. the great classic rock of smashing pumpkins and counting crows and indigo girls and U2 and red hot chilli peppers and phil collins and bruce springsteen and midnight oil and tom petty and the heartbreakers, and the whitlams is dying. the gods of mowtown and swing and jazz have been all but forgotten, and even decent rap has died.

now, all you can hear on the radio is the bubblegum shit dressing up as edgy, or a drum with a synthiser over the top. santana has been replaced by miley freaking cyrus, and when, once in a blue moon, you hear real music on the radio again, new real music, its like a breath of fresh air, like Tegan and Sara, or Florence and the Machine, or Back to the Basement, or Blackberry Bluebird, but then suddenly its in the top ten, and everyone says they love the artist.

well, i hate to break it to you, everyone, but you have never heard any of their other songs. and you know what? if you did, you've called it crap without realising. and the next thing that happens is that the band sells their soul to a movie soundtrack (RIP Muse) or a brand, or a magazine, celebrity or do a duet with someone who barely deserves a blink in a moment.

we've gone from amazing, mindblowing, soulstealing orchestral pieces, to the unbelievable rock, folk, metal, rap, bluegrass and alternative, jazz, swing and mowtown of the last sixty years, but since computer editing became cheap, nasty and tacky we've seen everything go downhill.

singers no longer sing, and no one can play anything more that an keyboard, or use autotune of vocals. dancing has gone from something meaningfull and emotive, to a rhythmic twitch and shuffle, with elegance, grace, passion and drama a shadow of the once was.

im so sick of the popular industry and the large music record dominating the industry. i want to be able to hear real music, not soppy, mushy rap and hip hop, or edgy pop. i want to be able to go, hey, thats amazing guitar, piano, bass and drums. i want to be able to hear a trombone or double bass or string quartet in the middle of a rock song. i want to hear music that makes you think, makes you feel, makes you dream. i want to be able to share those tiny pockets of magic, which are getting popped like bubbles in the sun, with the world.

it sickens me, to the stomach, that artists feel the need to provide to popular culture, and who feel the need to write to sell. i hate that being yourself, or standing out from the world, is uncool.

god, im so mad, i cant write this anymore. mmy hands are shaking. 
what is so bloody wrong with this world?

dear gladwrap dispenser

you, gladwrap dispenser
you are honestly the most useless thing ever invented.
really, i mean, those cutty things? the little sharp edge blades? those ones that don't seem to cut gladwrap but have no problem with human skin?
bloody useless.
and btw, you don't actually dispense anything. you just store it.
so ha.
kathy.

(pat and the guys at the louis van, this one's for you. =D)

dear my iPod(s)/ dear wuz

dear iPods
im sorry for everything i put you through - i really am.
RIP.

love, kathy


dear wuzzy
c'mere, you
=D
love, Kath

i think i'm in love

gen - i'm finally with you
im a nerdfighter who has only watched a whole 1.5 vlog brothers vidoes, but i have been converted. tess and claudia and annie have corrupted me. goodbye u2 (not reallly, i just needed something...) hello MOM, Harry and the Potters, the Parselmouths, AVPS soundtrack, Tom Milson, Alex Day, ALL CAPS, Sons of Admirals and Charlie Macdonnell.

I'm really sorry, anita. really really really sorry, the HP fanmusic is pretty good.
and i've fallen in love w/ Alex Day's stuff. Debbie would probably like it, if she's reading this. I'll put it on my mixpod, if i can find it.
i can fell the evil, nicotine like tendrils of No More and Candyfloss and Sonic Doesn't Need a Story pulling at my brain.
must. go. listen. to. Parrot Stories.
bye. =D

dear matthew riley, a fountain pen, mental

dear matthew riley, a fountain pen and mental
how you come up with these amazing ideas and put them onto paper, i have no idea
but i worship at your feet for it. 
mental - finish the freaking story. please. 
a fountain pen - update, noooooooooowwwwww
matthew riley - marry me?

love, fangirl.

edit: mental has removed her story, match, my favourite on earth, from harrypotterfanfiction.com

lace me up

sitting in textiles, watching the others make corsets while i write, and for once, i can't concentrate. seriously, you should see some of these things - they're amazing! jane, you would well and truly be in love. i'll post pictures later of the finished products if i can! wow - these are amazing. so wish i got to make one...I'll have to find a pattern.

wow wow wow.
excuse me while i drool a puddle on the floor...
=)K

i did wonder....

sometimes i wonder if life is really worth it at all. i mean, you get up, go to school (or work) go home, do nothing. life seems pretty bland, colourless. and who wants to live life in black and white?

life is so mundane, so spectacularly boring. i spend all month waiting for the few glowing hours when i can meet up with my friends, but after that, everything seems greyer than before.

its why i write, why i dream, why i listen to music.
its all i can hope will make the day pass that little bit faster, give it little bits of colour.

sometimes, you see a photo, or hear a song that suddenly flips the world inside out, and puts it into negative relief, blows your mind. it changes you.

then life returns to its sluggish pace, and its all can do to cling onto the edge of reality. and colour becomes grey again.

sometimes i wish i could put moments in a bottle, and store them on a shelf to act as lights through the black and white. i wish that it was the other way - life was colour and they grey bits you crawled through made the colour brighter, but its not, and the grey that you barely survive through only makes the colour blinding, and painful, and then, when the colour dies, makes the grey hurt all the more.

sometimes, i just wish the grey would stop hurting.
maybe we can make our own colour - maybe thats the only way to live anything thats more than any sort of a pathetic halflife.
to make sure that there's some part of you worth saving, worth living.

ninja stolen from gen and all the more awesome for it...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

psychic

cihcysp is psychic backwards. anyways, im psychic. wanna know why? cause i just read all of your minds. at once. and jo? about what you were thinking? NO, you CANNOT.
and eve? elend is. not. real.
sorry. really.

the point of the post is to say i love you guys. =)
and can't wait to see (some of) you friday. =) =) =)
K=) 

crazy people

a crazy person just gave me a cookie. her name is claudia. i just told her the bucket of shizzle joke. she took away my cookie. D=
anyways, today is a letter day. and soon, if someone reminds me, it will be a CHAPTER DAY. =D

so. to the most important and truthful letter i will ever write in my life.
dear the most beautiful person i know
you know who you are. 
need i say more?
love, the most beautiful person in the world. XD
ALANA. GET BACK HERE.   

yeah, i am all that

well. who would have known that hip hop lessons were in the school curriculum for PE? its kinda cool (you'd think) until you started to hip hop for two hours. hip hoppity hop. i feel like a giant freakin rabbit.
our teacher (dario the pug dog) keeps asking us where the love has gone. (in my pants - tess), and what are we afraid off?

well, dario, we're kinda freaked out that you're kinda old teaching a bunch of teenage girls to USE THEIR HIPS and MOVE LIKE THEY MEAN IT.
*cough*
and lemme tell you, mate.
AMERICAN IS NOT A LANGUAGE.
*sigh* i feel a rant coming on.

maths and letters (someone you see everyday but never talk to)

i've been mathsing for hours now (inequalities) and im bored shizless. blergh.
letter time. =)
dear strathfield station guy
we talked, once, remember? im that weird blonde chick (stalker get off my blog!) with the awesome iPod and nice eyes. cause you were kind of cute, I'll forgive you for the corny pickup lines, but for blantantly ignoring me since then.
b.
u.
r.
n.
see ya round!

love, nice-eyed-weird-blonde-chick.
ps. mum, if you read this, he initited contact, he was fifteen and had no tats, piercings or needle tracks, and wants to study environmental law. =)
pps. no, you can't arrange a marriage.