all my blood and guts

Dear Diary

Well, welcome to planet Katherine. It’s a little way outta orbit, and is generally a little bit wobbly. But then, we’re all a little unbalanced in our own way, aren’t we?

I have a dilemma. I’ve been reading all these uber-cool blogs, only all of a sudden, they’ve gotten all depressing. I mean, really depressing. Like one? She’s talking to some imaginary, invisible person who she seems to despise lots and lots and lots, but at the same time, can’t seem to let go off. As totally awesome as this person is, don’t you think they need to let go and see how lucky they are to have all these amazing friends and people around them?

And another has barely blogged at all in ages. It’s her own choice, but I’m starting to wonder whats going on. I miss hearing her voice on there.

Another, I’ve gotten to know better and better through her blog than I have in real life. I already knew she was fantastic – generous, kind, funny and talented, but all of a sudden, she’s taken on a whole other dimension.

Some are witty, some are wistful, some have shown me the most amazing things through regular video updates. Some make me laugh, one made me cry and they all make me go, ‘That’s my…’ =)

If only they all could feel what I feel when I miss them, or when I hear from them, or when I read their blog.

The worst thing is the awkward silences. When I met them for the first time after I left, it was like no-one knew what to say. Just that they missed me. And how was I? Well, how would you be? And with empty words that hurt more with what is unsaid than what is, what do you expect?

I know they don’t mean it. I know they care. And I know they can’t help it. But none of that helps.

I wish they wouldn’t wish that I’d come back to PLC. Because I can’t move backwards. It only hurts when they say that.

At the same time, I’m so glad we’re keeping in contact, or, trying too. I’m so glad it hasn’t just fallen apart, and I’m so glad that I can read their blogs and their emails, and, without looking at the sender, know who wrote those words.

I’m so proud of some kicking the fb bucket, or trying to focus, or setting out to achieve their goals. I’m so proud that they could call me their friend.

I’ve met some amazing people at MLC, too. I owe my sanity, or what’s left of it, too them. Then again, they could be to blame for the loss of a great deal of it. To the nerdfighters at MLC, I say thank-you for opening your arms without question to me, and for accepting me 1001% for who I really am.

I love talking to them everyday, reading their blogs at night and skypie-ing in RE. I love FTL bookmarks and Mario-mushroom cakes and DFTBA records.

I’m so lucky to know so many great people. I’m so proud to be any of their friends. I’m so proud to be one of their friends.

I hope that one day, they can say the same. I hope I never let them down. I’m sorry I already have. And I’m sorry I can only put into words on a page what I could never say.

I don’t know if I’ll ever publish this.